September 21, 2010
"I'm sorry" vs. "Forgive me?"
12:00 AM | 
Posted by
E Living
I hope you are married to the most wonderful spouse in the world.
(I am too, by the way)
Yet, while he has the ability to bring me incredible joy and fulfillment, he also has the ability to make my blood boil and test the limits of my patience and temperament. To be fair, I know that I do the same for him at times.
We have learned together that the end of the argument is far from the end of the "situation". But, we have also learned that ending the "situation" with a "forgive me" vs. an "I'm sorry" can bring radically different outcomes. Do you know what I am talking about?
Do you remember the last time you were offended, and your spouse's attempt to reconcile was to say; "I'm sorry"? It can be like salt to an open wound. "I'm sorry" can involve very little owning up to what they did to you (repentance), especially if they say it in frustration or condescension, simply to end the argument. And, if you have experienced that awkward situation where you want reconciliation - but know it's not resolved, there is not much you can say in reply. Here's a few interesting things about the word "sorry".
Saying "I'm sorry"
Definition: –adjective, feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.: to be sorry to leave one's friends; to be sorry for a remark; to be sorry for someone in trouble.
Saying "I'm sorry" requires nothing of the offended. It only shows that the offender feels bad about what they did, not necessarily a concern about the condition or feelings of the offended.
It's self-centered.
Now here's a few words about forgiveness.
Saying "Will you forgive me?"
Definition of "forgive": –verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
Saying "Will you forgive me?" requires an answer from the offended. It also requires the offender to give up the high ground, in humility, for the sake of true healing to occur in real time (not necessarily right on the spot).
Which one would you rather receive from your spouse when appropriate?
Which one should you be giving?
My husband and I have far from the perfect marriage, but we have established rules for God honoring behavior as much as we can determine from God's Word. One of them is to ask forgiveness and wait for an answer before thinking the situation is resolved.
Forgiveness is an important theme throughout the Bible. Esau forgiving Jacob, Joseph forgiving his brothers, Moses forgiving the Israelites, David forgiving Saul and Shimei, Solomon forgiving Adonijah, Jesus forgiving us, and commanding us to forgive our enemies. Here are a couple verses that you may recognize.
Luke 6:32-33
"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them.
And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that."
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 18:21-22 (The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant: an awesome one about forgiveness!)
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Luke 17:4
If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."
Asking forgiveness for our sins and repenting from them is part of the foundation of our salvation - and our marriage.
So why would we think
little
of asking forgiveness for the small every-day offenses?
Ponder this; and the next time you are tempted to say a quick "I'm sorry" to that God-given other, catch yourself and make it meaningful. Ask for their forgiveness - and if you need to, take it to the Lord and ask for His forgiveness as well.
With you for His glory,
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14 comments:
thank you for this it was very much needed because we are always saying i am sorry when most of the time its used for the end of a disagreement
Awesome Awesome Awesome!! I'm a quick "I'm sorry" giver... and my husband is the one who genuinely asks for my forgiveness. What a great reminder for me to be more like him. I loved the way you described the difference between the two here!
I'll do better next time - I promise. thanks for this!
What an AWESOME post! This is very much needed and I love how you put it! Thank you!
Thanks for this post. I forget sometimes. A lot of people need to be reminded.
Yes! We teach this to our children...that they need to ask forgiveness. Saying sorry is for things that happen on accident like stepping on someone's toe or bumping into them. At least that is what we do. I need to remember this and apply it to myself as well.
It is funny how when someone says I am sorry it doesn't mean as much as them asking for forgiveness. I had this happen the other day and it was as if the person saying sorry was doing it to clear herself but it didn't feel sincere. She never asked for forgiveness.
I have to admit that I had never considered the difference between "sorry" and "forgive" - but, as you have presented it here, the difference is monumental. I will really have to "try this on" in the coming days. I could see how "switching it up" will actually elevate our marriage. Wonderful post - simply wonderful!
Wow! Needed this today! I can say sorry sometimes but have a hard time asking for forgiveness or saying "you were right, I was wrong."
Thank you for this post! I could never figure out why the words "I'm sorry" were often like nails on a chalkboard to me during/after a disagreement. This explained it perfectly. I'll be sharing this for sure!
This is great! It is something my mom always made us do, ask for forgiveness and say WHY we were sorry. It takes humility, yes? =)
YES - humility...and that's hard to swallow most of the time.
What an excellent truth. I don't think I've ever considered the difference, but there definitely is. I plan to incorporate this not only in my own relationships, but also teach it to my children. Thanks for sharing!
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Brilliant. Forgiveness is so fundamental to Christianity and yet we relinquish it to a private moment when were pondering some wrong that's been done to us, rather than out in the open, stating it or asking for it. I also want to enphasize we're talking about "will you forgive me?". The actual request. Not just "forgive me", which can be said as flippantly as "I'm sorry" and is not a request but an order. Thank you again for an inspiring discussion.
No wonder I have an aversion to the phrase, "I'm Sorry" but I never considered the difference between it and asking for forgiveness.
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